I Sure Hope You Enjoyed Your Pangolin

Well, well, well, nice going! I sure hope you had a good time eating that pangolin, asshole. Thousands have died, many more thousands are sick. Panic has turned ordinary people into survivalist lunatics, stuffing their minivans with toilet paper and Purell. Everything has been cancelled. Is this because of nuclear war or global climate change or alien invasion? Nope. It’s because some dipshit(s) decided to order something off the human menu and eat a pangolin. One look at it should tell you all you need to know: it’s too ugly and too covered with body armour to be edible. Besides, it is has chubby little legs and no natural athleticism, so it is bound to be a crackling little grease fire anyway. Not to mention it is on the endangered species list! Still, people traffic them for their scales which are used in medicine. Another theory that I think has been disproved, is that the virus got into humans through someone eating a bat. Eating a bat, I imagine, would be a lot like eating a leather purse or maybe a baseball mitt with some bones in it.

Our chess club is cancelled too, but then again everything is cancelled so saying it is redundant. I sure am missing hockey already. My Canucks were doing fairly well and looked poised to make the playoffs for the first time in five years. That is, right up until Mr Curious cooked up his Asian armadillo. And we’ve probably just begun being effected.

I heard of an experiment done at the University of BC in the Physics department. If you read this and know of it, please let me know how accurate what I’ve heard is. Anyway, the professor fills an empty room with mousetraps, each loaded with a ping pong ball. The experiment is about chain reactions. To start the reaction, he tosses one ping pong ball into the room and – Snap! – one trap goes off and launches a second ball in the air. After some seconds the whole room is a cacophony of mousetraps snapping and balls bouncing around. When it settles down, every trap has gone off. Think of passing an infectious disease as the mousetraps. One dumbass eats a pangolin, then that infects someone etc. Today we are at the stage where there are about two balls in the air and the world health governing bodies are trying to catch them before they land and accelerate the reaction. They might succeed, but they probably won’t completely. In some places they are already at the next phase.

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I don’t mean to be doom and gloom, there is already talk of an early vaccine being tested, and people are getting ready to hunker down and avoid others for a while. These are good signs. Can they catch those two balls before they land and set off all the traps? Time will tell and I certainly wish them well. And I hope it happens before the Stanley Cup playoffs get cancelled too!

Mr Yummy awaits his chance for viral revenge.